Safety First! is a rage game pure and simple, and by the nine you will fucking rage. You play as some naked guy, and you fix electrical outlets by pissing in them to complete the circuit. Yep, that’s it, you piss all over everything. There’s a reason why it’s just “The Piss Game”. There’s a lot of levels and absolutely no story, it’s just a puzzle game, a pissing puzzle game, a puzzle game where you piss all over the puzzle. HEHE, I feel stupid writing this fucking thing. Oh god, it’s fantastic.
Now you have to control the character… all three of his legs, no he is not a tripod. However, I’m sure like most men, he wishes he was. You control each leg with their corresponding analogue stick, and you piss with A button. You can also control it with the keyboard but even the dev says you shouldn’t play that way because it makes it stupidly hard. Each level will give you a different amount of piss or, as this game calls it, yellow repair liquid. Each level also has different amounts of broken circuits; usually the game gives you one or two more balls of piss than you actually need to complete the puzzle.
The game, well at the start anyways, is fairly easy. Now there’s three campaigns and three styles of play. NRML which is the normal mode, which is kind of self-explanatory if you aren’t stupid. PEP mode which comes from the saying ‘a pep in your step’ which means you move super-fast the whole time. The last style is DRNK, which is short for drunk mode, where the camera zooms in and out as well as shifting around in circles while your character says shit in German. The Classic campaign allows you normal freedom and is thirty levels long. The Advanced campaign doesn’t let you jump, you can only have one foot off the ground at a time and it’s thirty-two levels long. The last campaign is the Space campaign with seven levels. In it you have no gravity… it sounds fun, it sounds like it’d be less difficult, but since you only control the legs and the ability to piss yourself it’s not, it’s really fucking not. For one, in any campaign, if you go off-screen for too long you will die, which is easy in a mode where you can just float the fuck awaaaaaaaaaay. Another annoyance in the game, which is one of the big reasons it’s a rage game in the first fucking place, is that your body is fragile. You rip limbs off by doing NOTHING and in zero gravity that just makes it all the worse. One limb might keep floating off while the other isn’t and it’ll rip itself off; your character should have been shoved back in his mama to bake for a few more years. Your character is a worthless, feckless, cunt.
The levels start off fairly easy in NRML with sudden appearances of stupidly hard levels every now and then, then it drops back to being fairly okay again. The Advanced starts off simple but quickly starts to ramp up in overall difficulty while still maintaining the concept of ‘Oh let’s make this level right here fucking super-duper hard, cause lulz it’s funny’, eat shit and die, that wasn’t to you reader, devs you know who you are and you KNOW what you did. Space just… it’s a shit-show from level one, just… good luck with that, that’s really all I have for that.
Honestly, I’m pretty sure this bullshit is what it feels like playing the game Getting Over It with Bennett Foddy. I’ve played Super Meat Boy, and quite frankly, I hate it more than this, but I also hate platformers in general, especially ones that require super precision, so I have an natural predisposition to hate Meat Boy more than this. Now, you might be thinking, Jesus Christ you hated this game, actually… I didn’t. Is it the most fun game I’ve ever played? No, fuck no, no, not even remotely, fuck that. But is it a terrible shitty game? No, it’s actually pretty good. Most of the time it didn’t even upset me to be honest. That being said, there are some levels that are stupidly hard and I screamed at my computer screen in the middle of the night because they made me so mad, and I’m pretty sure there were a couple times where I was nearly in tears I was so pissed off even. However, most of the levels, while a bit difficult sometimes, are usually really fun. The premise is so stupid, it’s funny, you know kind of like those dogs that are so ugly that they burn your soul asunder and yet, for some reason, you sick people find them cute instead of putting them out of their misery, yeah it’s like that.
Wanna know what’s even better? The game only costs three dollars. I don’t usually mention money other than simply to dictate how much it costs at the very end as just a bit of information. However, this is three fucking dollars. Most of you can afford that, and you will get HOURS of… maybe not enjoyment, but gameplay out of it at the very least. I’ve put about… oh for fucks sake, you’re kidding me… goddamnit… I’ve put nine hours into this stupid fucking game. *bashes head into desk a few times* My beautiful brain cells, my beautiful, beautiful brain cells. I still haven’t finished the goddamn thing even. I’m stuck in the Advanced campaign not sure how to beat a level, and Space… sucks. On top of all this I CHEATED, I regularly slow down games so I can see what I’m doing so I can keep up with what I’m playing. Some of you are probably for shaming me and shit, but I’m legally blind so you can go choke on a dick, if I need to slow a game down so I can SEE what I’m doing then by GOD I fucking will, if you don’t like it tough shit. It’s not multiplayer so you aren’t affected as such your opinion means almost, but not quite, fuckall of nothing. It’s so fucking hard… I can’t believe I put nine hours into this fucking thing though, just… damnit. On one hand it’s a fun game, on the other it’s NINE HOURS, hours that I cut from my life span, nine hours I won’t get back. I’m not sure how I feel about that, especially with the knowledge I’m not even halfway through the advanced campaign and just shy of halfway through the space one. On top of that both of them I’ve played on JUST NRML, I haven’t even attempted this shit with the other two modes. I… I just I don’t know. Just now realizing I spent nine hours in this, I think something in me just broke; I’m not even sure what. So you guys buy this, play it, and maybe you can tell me what it broke when it breaks in you too.
Rime was developed by: JCO
$3: Give it to your kids; let them repeat the third grade for the rest of their lives.
A copy was gifted to the reviewer by a psychotic fan whom might hate me and might want to see me suffer.
darkmikasonfire has awarded Safety First! The Indie Gamer Team Seal of Approval